Tuesday, October 6, 2009

This is your Brain on Desperate

photo caricature of a desperate caucasian man in a polyester suit and retro shirt as he leans over and points
In a fit of desperation after realizing I will be one of the only people at a party without a date, I had crazy thoughts of bribing/begging people to pose as my boyfriend. You should probably know that of course there's a guy involved in this desperation (I can't believe I'm admitting this). Jennie was so entertained by my fake letters of beggary, that she wanted me to post them online. On the World Wide Web. For everyone to see. Why, oh why, am I doing this?

Dear I Anthem,
I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. Since you will have to look extra hot to fool someone into dating me, I'm going to need you to walk around with your guitar and sometimes burst into song. But not a weird way, you know? In a rockstar/cool way.

Dear XXXXXX XXXXXX (most popular guy from my high school):
PLEASE fly to G'ville and act as my boyfriend, then fly home and let's not ever speak about it. Because I'm pretty sure you're kind of a jerk and will try to sleep with me. And.. you look great, but ....you're still kind of a jerk. Anyway, you'll do it, right?

Dear Simon Baker:
I'm in love with you and your show. But mostly you. Will you come to a party and pretend to be my boyfriend? You can (and must) use your God-given natural accent.
Your friend,

In the end, though, I've decided to just act like my fabulous self. Notice I said "act like" because actually being my fabulous self is probably out of the question. So I wrote down Jennie's advice, and here it is:
Slo-mo entrance. Brush hair over shoulder. Flash smile. Laugh, but not too hard. Smile, but no crazy eyes.
That should do it! I guess I'll update the blog with whatever transpires.


  1. dear self,
    i looked totally awesome that nite and picked up someone else's bf, so I didn't need to bring my own.