5 Non-Romantic Reasons I Want to Get Married

Sure, I'm all about the romance and bells of true love and all that, but there are just normal times in my boring life that I let out an exasperated, "This would be so much easier if I were married!"
So here goes:
1. I really really really really want a dog.
And yeah, I know I don't have to be married to have a dog, but I have to be married to have a dog that doesn't die of neglect or starvation. Basically, I'm selfish, and I don't spend a lot of time at home. So that's where the husband comes in.
2. I need someone to pick up my certified mail.
Certified mail is the biggest pain the butt, right? First of all, who in the world is home when the mail person comes? Secondly, did you know the post office's hours are like 10-10:15 am, and then 3pm-3:02, and then 3:43-4:04, and they act like how is it possible that you can't get there? And, my post office is like a 45 minute drive away, which is untrue, but it does take me that long when I factor in getting lost, which I must.
3. It would be nice to cook chicken sometime.
This is almost a reason. The real reason is that it's annoying to cook for one person. But let me tell you a little ditty about cooking chicken. I made chicken last night, and I'm pretty sure it had already gone bad. Of course, I ate it. Well, like 20 minutes later, I'm thinking "What is that horrid, putrid smell?" It was the package from the chicken. In the trash. The fumes! Now, I don't cook that often, and I certainly don't cook chicken that often, but what in the world?! You have to immediately take the trash out after cooking chicken? That's too high maintenance for me.
4. That time that it snows.
This was more of an issue in New Jersey, but snow happens here, too. And when it does, me and all the husbands are out there bright and early, sweeping snow off of our cars and clearing the way for our vehicles. Me and all the husbands. (yes, yes, grammar.. but it sounds better this way).
5. So that people will stop saying dumb stuff.
See Jennie's post. If you don't understand why those are dumb, please contact me on a good day. If you currently say those things to people, please stop. In fact, just don't comment on people's relationship status. I mean, why would you?

So I'm sure you're reading this, thinking, "ummm... you want a maid, not a husband, I'm pretty sure." Yeah, possibly. But ... husbands do stuff for you, right? And wives do stuff for them? Give and take? I've heard this is true.